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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Baring it all

You know women have it rough medically speaking.  We have to bear it all almost all the time in order to have stuff checked out.  You can not be modest when you are going to the doctor.  We have a lot of stuff to bare and not a lot of ways to be modest about it.  We learn early on to mentally check out when certain exams have to happen.  Am I right?

When I went in for the heart echo today I didn't realize it would be one of those tests.  I got there, checked in, and a sweet looking woman told me to follow her down the hall.  The room was quiet and warm and deceptive.  This nice woman asked me the standard questions and caught me off my guard.  So when she asked me to disrobe and put on the flimsy throw away gown I was speechless.   I groaned inside but smiled at her and thanked her. 

The throw away half-gown was more like a short parka made for a 10 yo and not a full grown women with womanly curves.  I put it on anyway being sure to snap the flimsy snaps in the front.  Yeah, they were a joke.  When I laid down on the bed and she was ready to start the test the snaps popped like they were made of cornflakes.  Once they did that I was exposed for all to see.  Yes, I know she is a professional and there was no one else in the room but it was embarrassing none the less.  Lying on my side things were not in their intended positions so she had to move them to get to where she needed on my chest.  No, that's not embarrassing at all. 

I ignored it until she had done it one too many times and then I almost cried from embarrassment.  I have had four babies, countless medical procedures, even had a guy I went to high school with help with the delivery of our first born; but you never get used to it.  Ever. 

I made it through the procedure without crying and was ready to sit up when I realized there was no good way to get into the sitting position without further exposing myself.  Oh joy.  I tried, really I did.  I kind of looked like a newborn giraffe flopping around with arms and legs going every which way.  It was one of my finest moments.  Not.  Thankfully by this time the tech had gone to get something out of the cabinets and didn't see the wrangling around.  When she turned around she handed me a disposable sheet to clean myself up with while I was desperately trying to keep the extra small piece of cloth covering my essentials until she left the room. 

It was another kind of joy to clean all the ultrasound jelly off parts of me I can't see while the flimsy non-covering what I need it to parka has suddenly decided to cling to all the places I had wanted covered in the first place.  Great timing disposable parka, great timing. 

All in all the test wasn't painful just exposing.  As most tests are for women.  I mean we just have more stuff to expose than men.  But good grief.  Can they not make those disposable parka/gown things to cover a little more than the expose flesh of our necks?

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