Heartbreak and Peace

This past summer was a season of transition for our family, yet again.  It was a season of tears and prayers and questions.  If I am being honest, those things are still happening and probably will for years to come.

This summer with counsel from our pastor and a counselor, we decided that it would be best for everyone if Bug went back to her grandpa's permanently.  There were issues that I will not go into publicly for her sake; but, needless to say they were big enough issues for us to take this step.  We did not step into this decision lightly or gladly but with heartbreak and confusion.

We love that little girl as our own.  She IS ours.  We are just not the right place for her to be right now.  She has needs we can not satisfy.  It broke us as individuals and as a family to come to this realization but we are discovering Peace through it all.  God has shown up for us as He has for her and we are healing.

We will never fully heal from this, and rightly so.  There will forever be a hole in our heart that only Bug can fill.  For now, we will have to rest in the assurance that Jesus loves her so much more than we ever could and that His plans for her are far above what we could imagine.

Prayers for our family and for Bug and Grandpa would always be appreciated.

Following God is not easy.  It is not painless.  It is not for the faint of heart.  But, He is faithful to walk with us as we strive to follow His lead and to cry with us over the hurts of this world.

Next Year...

Now that soccer is over(more on that later) I am looking toward next year and what each girl will do for classes.  Yes, it is only May but for my mind I need to get it organized and set before summer so I can enjoy some downtime!

So, before my schedule changes and I am working pretty much every day I am planning.

Of course I am going to use my Ultimate Homeschool Planner again.  I adore this planner.  It has everything I need and I will be so sad when I can't use it anymore.  You can buy it here.

The girls will be using a planner we found at Mardel's that we just bought here.  Hannah had this one last year and loved it so much Naomi wanted one as well!

Now that our planners are chosen I can move on to the curriculum for each girl.  We are of course sticking with Tapestry of Grace.  This year we are using Year 2.  I have loved this curriculum so much and we have all learned things I never knew growing up.  You should look into it if you are looking for History, Literature, Bible, Writing, Art,  Geography, Government, and Worldview.  Yes, it covers all of that!

For Math, Hannah will be taking College Algebra-I have gone as far with her as my mind will stretch!  Naomi will be doing Math U See Algebra 1.

Science we will be sticking with Apologia.  I haven't found anything we love as much as theirs.  Hannah will be doing Physics and Naomi will move into Physical Science.  I am so glad we found Apologia at the beginning of our homeschool journey!

Hannah will have a semester of Economics for Everybody from Compass Classroom.   While Naomi will be doing Visual Latin.

Naomi will be doing her last year of Growing with Grammar.  This is a solid program that is giving them a great base for understanding English.  

At the moment, that is all I have.  I have more shopping to do for the little extras but at least I have a plan!  Next year Hannah will be a Junior and Naomi will be an 8th grader.

The plan for Bug is to stay in public school for now.  We don't know how long we keep her in public school because I can't see having her in middle school but that is for a different day.  For now, she is loving school and learning so much more than just math and reading.

Now, we just have to finish up this year!!

Construction

We had about a weeks notice that Phoenix was coming back to live with us.  Not much time to turn our storage room into a real room for her; and we didn't make it!  lol  It took two weeks to finish after she moved in but we got it done and it is a beautiful room.  She got to pick the color for the walls-how terrifying!-and we picked out the rest.  I think it all came together very well.

It was way worse than this...I had already cleaned up some before this pic!

Naomi helping with the mudding/taping that we ended up doing wrong.  

walls, tools, ladders, cool construction things!

She is moving in!

Add caption

See the wall color?  That is her favorite color!

Papa brought her name letters for her new room

her own bookshelf.  Now, to fill it!

I would show you a picture of her room now...but honestly I can't even get in there-it is that messy!  But, it is hers and she is here to stay.

Changes keep coming

I fell off the blogging wagon not very long after I started again.  sigh  I would like to get posts caught up from May until now but that will take some time.  For now, I want to post about the most major change we have had this summer.

Bug came back to live with us!  We found out on a Thursday that she might be coming, the following Saturday it was decided for sure, and the following Thursday she moved back in.  Whew!  We decided that she would need her own room this time so we set up about renovating the storage room for her.  We had to clean it out first and that took almost a week!  Needless to say there were things in there that had not seen the light of day in over 10 years.  ahem  Moving on...

The renovations went well and we had several friends come over and help us.  We couldn't have done it without their help.  Her room took a few weeks to finish but it is a great room for her and is a sanctuary already.  

We let her pick out the paint color-which was a little scary!  Thankfully the paint color was tempered by the flooring and her bedding.  I think we will be adding things here and there until we are satisfied with the final outcome.  For now, it is perfect.

The other big change, as if that one wasn't enough, is the fact that we are homeschooling her.  We had originally planned to put her in school since that is what she has been doing and was doing very well with it.  BUT, when I went to enroll her I was told NO.  We don't have guardianship yet and her grandpa isn't in the right district...so no public school.  I had been having some doubts as to putting her in such a large school after her very small one but was trusting that God would work it out.  He did!  

It is going pretty well so far.  We are using Time4Learning and she is really enjoying it.  We will see what happens as the year progresses.  

I will have to get pics up of the reno.  For now, here is Bug showing how happy she is to be back home with us.

Only Bug...

Driving in the car with Sarah and Bug going somewhere and she wants us to do something for her. I can't remember what it was but it was a definite No from us both. She asked seeral times to which I finally replied, "I can't or I will get in trouble with the police."

Bug then replied...

"I AM the Police.

I AM the Government.

I AM the President.

I AM GOD!"

 

We were laughing up until the last statement and then it had to get serious. I calmly told her that we don't say that and only God is God. None of us are God.

 

Then she chanted to herself many times...

"Only God is God. I am not Him. Only God is God. I am not Him."

 

I couldn't even speak. I had a hard time driving. I was laughing so hard!

 

Where does she come up with this stuff??

 

 

Pictures to catch us up

Since I have been completely remiss in keeping this blog up the last few years, I am going to just pick up here and post things as I remember them! Or when I find the pictures to use. Lol

 

Thanksgiving without Bug was tough but it was good,t oo. Here is our gussied up pic on the way to somewhere!

 

We also celebrated the long awaited movie Star Wars The force Awakens. It is quite an expensive endeavor going to a movie with this crew but we make the commitmant with the movies we really want to see! This was one of them. It did not disappoint. Well, it did...but if you haven't seen it I won't spoil it for you.

We had a very mild winter this year much to our dismay. We wanted snow and lots of it. Didn't happen. Sigh But we did get some days with frost; not a great substitute but it was gorgeous!

 

Trips to the store like this happened! Yeah, they are probably going to shoot me for this one! Heehee

Bug came to visit!! She camped out in Hannah and Naomi's room(hence the mess in the background!) but could't stay up long enough to party!

Senior Pictures happened. This was hard, people. She is so beautiful and my heart ached at the next step. I will have to do a post by itself for the pics 'cause they were all awesome!!

See what I mean? Gorgeous.

And I get to do it again in a few months with Sarah! Aagghh! I can't believe I just said that...don't panic...

 

That is enough for now, 'cause ya'll know there are a ton more just waiting to be posted.

 

A Year in Perspective

There is something that I have wanted to do for years now. I see friends doing it and I am jealous. I want to do it. I truly do. What is it you ask?

Friends of mine always have a word impressed on them at the beginning of the year and that is their theme for the upcoming year. I have tried that. I just can't seem to hear the Lord in this way.

Well, maybe I can and I just didn't want to.

Last year I tried this idea again and the word that came to mind was Unity. I thought that was a strange word because our family is pretty close and we fight well. We don't alwyas agree but do always come back together in the end.

I ignored the word.

The word came up again when I was trying to think of a verse for our soccer team this year. Unity. Of course, I thought it was perfect for the soccer team. But what I couldn't see in January of last year was that that was exactly what our family needed to get us through 2015.

To say that 2015 was difficult would be quite an understatement. It was one of the most difficult of our familys' lives.

I have already made a post about Bug leaving us and that was a huge part of our struggle this year. Hearing the news, then getting our family to understand it and implement it was draining and horrible. And beautiful and precious. It was something we had to be Unified to get through.

We also had several deaths of loved ones. One of those was Bug's grandmother. Bug went to live with them on August 1st and by December 21st, her grandmother died of Melanoma. Bug got to spend four months of one on one time with her grandma that she wouldn't have had if she had still been with us. She got precious time with her grandma that was God ordained. Looking back it's easier to see.

Then a dear friend, Bruce, lost his battle with cancer. He was a precious friend to our Naomi for the last five years. They were kindred spirits and prayed for one another faithfully. Bruce was an example of a Christ centered life and we are truly better for having known him.

The girls' godmother died as well. She was someone that spoke into my life as a wife and mother and adored our children. She is a light that will be missed every day.

Beth got injured at another soccer game. (She is fine now thanks to amazing physical therapists!)

Our house was flooded because of the roofers doing the chimney wrong 4 years ago. We found extensive damage in Beth's room. The very next day after we discovered all the damage, our house was hit by lightening. Not even joking. We lost many electronics that day. And insurance didn't pay for anything. Nothing. Squat. Basically, insurance is a scam you have to participate in. Enough on that.

Our suburban needed some repairs and after they tried to repair it there was an additional problem they couldn't figure out. Still haven't.

Beth was starting her Senior Year on a bang! The enormity of that was a heavy weight as we tried to get everything figured out and completed. I'm not sure we really ever did!

We launched a local theater company and put on a production that was amazing. It was crazy hard work and we were glad to see the end of it!

Three girls in AYSO soccer in the fall. 'Nuff said on that one. Oy vey.

Beth and Sarah working. Sarah getting ready for a missions trip to Mexico. Christmas without Bug.

 

I am sure there was more but that is enough. Our family made it through, though not without some fair bumps, bruises and scars. But like I told Naomi just tonight, "Scars are a roadmap of your life." The physical ones as well as the ones nobody can see.

Unity. We are united as a family. In spite of circumstances and because of them.

Pain in the Offering

"It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil." 1 Peter 3:17

 

Oh this verse has settled on my heart and mind. I would like to say that I embrace what it is saying and that I can see the Truth in it; but, I am honestly not completely there. The phrase 'No good deed goes unpunished' seems to be more of a truth in my life. I know that isn't the ultimate Truth but feelings being what they are...

This last year has been full of ups and downs. I had thought to keep up the blog better but in truth I just couldn't write about it. I couldn't face my own heart honestly enough to write it out for the inspection of others.

 

I am not sure I can even now, but it is time.

God has been so incredibly good to us that I can not even fathom it sometimes. He is a tender Father who has held us as we cried. And there have been many tears this year. Our family has suffered for doing good. Our family has grown and changed in ways we didn't know we needed to and ways we never even thought about before Bug.

 

Bug was the catalyst for putting our faith into action. It is easy to say that you follow the teachings of Jesus and another thing altogether to do them. Oh, there are multiple small ways to walk out your faith in every day life that hardly cost you anything. You can feel good about doing what Jesus would do and never feel uncomfortable or stretched beyond your box. Living a righteous life one small sacrifice at a time.

Only, that is not really living. Or following Jesus. Oh, I am not saying that the small sacrifices aren't important and worth the effort and I am not saying we shouldn't make them. Small sacrifices can be big to the one in need and can bring blessings to the one sacrificing. But, small sacrifices don't usually make us change. Small sacrifices can still keep us safe.

When the time comes for God to ask a big sacrifice from you, what will you say? Will you hesitate? Will you say No? Will you think about it so long that it is no longer a necessary sacrifice? Or will you say Yes right away and trust God for the outcome?

Waxing poetical is easy to do at this point. The point of just wondering what you will do if called to make a big sacrifice but honestly, we don't really know what we will do until we are called to choose. Grand ideas tend to pale in the light of real life full of real pain.

You never really know how you will respond until someone looks at you and asks, "Will you?" That is the moment of truth and of deciding. It is a moment that can alter your life forever one way or another.

Our family had just such a choice to make five years ago. We were asked to make a large sacrifice-our entire family. It wasn't a one-time sacrifice but a day to day laying down our lives to the Will of God. A daily sacrifice. A daily offering of ourselves to something other than our own plans.

I am so proud of my family for saying Yes to this sacrifice. Not a one of them had to even think about it, they instantly knew it was the right thing to do. They knew this sacrifice would be an offering of praise to God for His provision for our family and for His love for us.

We also knew there would be pain in the offering. We just couldn't imagine how much pain.

Loving Bug was amazing and something we wouldn't change for anything but it also proved to be the hardest sacrifice we have ever made. She became our daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, and friend and our lives were irrevocably changed because of her. We loved her with abandon, giving our hearts fully to her. She took root in our lives until there was no separating her without tearing holes in each of us.

Yet, that is the sacrifice we were called to make. She was never fully ours but we were called to love her in just that way. To love her fully and without reserve. To give her our hearts and our love freely.

Then let her go.

I can't even type those words without tears. Six years ago if someone had told me I would survive losing a child I would have balked; I would have laughed at them and told them No way. But, now I am living it and surviving. I am living each day with the memory of my daughter driving away in someone else's car knowing she was never coming back. I live with the pain my other daughters' eyes as they mourn their sister and the pain in my husband's heart at not being able to protect one of his daughters any longer.

Every day there is a reminder of our missing family member and every day we are reminded of the sacrifice we were called to make. I can't begin to tell you the pain in my heart at losing Bug. I can't tell you because I can't fully face it. It would completely consume me and incapacitate me.

But that pain is only there because the love is that deep. I would break my heart a thousand times for Bug if that is what God asked of me and rejoice in the pain of the offering.

Love requires sacrifice.

Real love is giving up what you want so the other person gets what they need.

It is easy enough to say that you really do love someone until you have to sacrifice for them. Then the rubber meets the road and decisions have to be made. Will you love them enough to break your heart if need be?

Love is not self-seeking.

Love is hard and love is painful.

Love is always worth it.

My Baby Girl, you are always in my thoughts and will always be my daughter. I love you.

 

 

Bug is Growing Up

Birthdays for us are kinda crazy. We have birthdays in December, January, February, March, April, and July. It gets a little stressful to figure out whose birthday is in the month we're in when I can't remember what month it is to begin with!

But, March is Bugs' birthday. She is FOUR YEARS OLD this month. I just can't believe it. She has grown so much from the first day we met her. She was 9mo old and such a little thing. We have had her for three years now and we can't imagine life without her. The kids were talking and they don't actually remember our family without her! She is a sweet addition to our family.

She is a handful sometimes though! She definitely keeps us on our toes and trying to guess what she is going to do next. She keeps us laughing constantly. We love her so very much.

Happy Birthday, Bug. You are a challenge and a joy. You are loved.

 

 

 

The.best.dance.ever

Bug started dancing at the basketball games last week.  Sarah was cheering and we were watching.  It was a long process!  Bug was amazing but was getting a little tired towards the end of the night.  This is an epic dance video.  You do not want to miss it!!

ugh the blogger app won't let me upload a video...youtube won't upload it bc it's the wrong format...blogsy is crashing...

trying this...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202270296350659

it's a link to my facebook where it DID post.  *sigh*

did that work?  I just can't catch a break with this.  

Pumpkin Patch Fun

We missed the Pumpkin Patch Field trip with our homeschool group so the L family decided they wanted to go with us and another family on a different day.

I am so glad we did. We had a blast!

Here are some pics of our fun.

 

 

Look Who's 3!!!

 

Today is Bug's birthday. I can't believe she is 3yo today. She is such a blessing to us and so fantastically fun to have around. Don't get me wrong, she is like any toddler-trouble sometimes. But, she is a joy and wee love her so completely.

We marvel everyday at the thinks she says and does. She is incredibly smart. She can write most of her name by herself, knows all her colors, counts to at least 10 by herself, knows her shapes, and has a memory that is astounding. She is loving and compassionate and crazy.

Yup, she fits in pretty well here. ;-)

We have had her two years now and the time has flown by. I can't believe it has been two years. Most days it seems like two weeks. She fits in so seemlessly that we can't remember a time without her.

I am amazed that God has allowed us to be part of her life and pray we can continue being a part of it for a long time. She has changed us in ways that wouldn't have been possible without her.

Praise God for His plans and not ours.

 

 

Renita

All About Bug

So Bug's language and personality has exploded!  She is not only jabbering up a storm she is talking.  A lot!  Her language base is crazy big now and she can effectively communicate just about anything she needs.  We love it!

This post I am going to share some of the great things she says now.  She has us laughing every day with the new phrases she comes up with.

When I asked her to help pick up some trash she looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said, "I can't want to."  I just stared at her.  Yeah, I know the feeling baby girl!

She wrote on herself the other day and when I noticed it on her arm she covered it up and said, "Don't see it." 

If anyone is leaving the house she will say, "Hey, where are you going people?" 

To get our attention she will say, "Hey, guess what?"  When you give her your attention and say "What?"  She looks at you and says, "Um..."  Then her face lights up the biggest smile.  Love it!

When she wakes up from her nap and she is ready to get out of bed she will go through the list of names to get someone to come and get her.  If no one comes right away, she starts yelling, "Somebody come get me."  heehee

Lately her phrase is, "I need..."  She will tell us that she needs popsicles or whatever else there is.  At breakfast she 'needed' more cereal but she was yelling at us so I told her to ask politely.  She paused for a moment and then said, "I *need* (said with a guttural growl) more cereal, pwease!"  We laughed so hard.  She was trying to be nice but the growling was just too cute.

Of course she has the typical 2yo response to most things, "I do it."  She has figured out how to take her diaper and pants off proudly proclaiming, "Look!"  It's not too bad unless it is 'loaded'! lol

We are working her off of her pass but she will ask for it and say, "I need pass for a little bit."  The answer is no and she always looks up with her huge eyes and says, "just a wittle bit?"  It is hard to say no to that!

I think one of my favorite thins is when someone is crying or upset, she will walk over to them to hug them.  If they are crying, she will find a towel or tissue and dry their tears.  It is too precious.  She is also starting to tease.  She will walk toward us with her arms raised like she wants to be picked up but when you get close enough to do it she cackles and runs off yelling, "Run, faster!"

Life is not boring with this little sprite in our house!

Random Pics

'Cause it's what I do best!

I have to warn you, these pictures were on my phone so they are not the best.  But hey, at least I am posting some, right?  lol

The two oldest at our Dad's Night.  They are so pretty!

She got poison ivy on her face.  So not cool.

Bug was helping Sunshine be goal keeper.  :-)

Bug was helping Bean find some clothes for me.

 Bug kept looking through my hanging clothes saying, "Umm...Umm...Look, Look!"  It was pretty cute.  She helped find my shoes and picked out several shirts for me.  ;-)

We saw these cold weather funnels on our way home.

Freaky. Just freaky.

Peanut giving her part of the speech for Dad's Night.

Bean performing sign language to How Great is Our God.

Poor Bug

Today Bug is having surgery.  She is tongue tied and they are taking care of it today.  She has to have it done at a surgery center because she is too old to do it in the office.  :-( 

It is not something we are looking forward to.  It is never easy to see little ones in pain especially when you are "causing" it. 

She handled it pretty well and only cried a little bit when they carried her back but oh my heart was breaking knowing that I couldn't be there for her.

On the upside, it was the same surgery center where our 10 yo had her sinus surgery so we were pretty comfortable with them.  It's still terribly hard though.

She looked so tiny on that gigantic bed.

She came through surgery well but the bleeding was more than I thought it would be.  It was hard seeing her in pain and not being able to help.  She just didn't understand what was going on.

When we got home she was super cranky, understandably, and almost inconsolable.  There were moments when you couldn't tell she had just had surgery but on the whole she was a cranky pants! lol  Oh and the drooling.  Oh my goodness.  I have never seen so much drool come from one body in my life! 

Thankfully we bought extra food that was soft and lots of yogurt and pudding.  She wants to eat but won't eat any hard foods.  It is so sad. 

I will be glad for her when she can eat any food she wants to again.  Praise God the surgery went well.  We can't wait to see how her speech changes now.  :-)

Some Good Reads and other stuff!

I bought some books a few weeks ago but haven't read them.  I really wanted them but when they came I was more than a little intimidated and just a little not interested in that much work.  Just being honest here!

I knew I needed to read them, though.  Not just for me but for the family and for our school. 

I need some encouragement. 

It has been a few years since I have hit the January/February "I can't homeschool anymore let's sign them up for school" wall.  A large reason for not hitting that wall has been Tapestry of Grace.  It has transformed our school and the way we do it.  We have also found other curriculum that works and the kids love.  It all lends to not having burn out.

But this year has been different.  For one we have a toddler in the house again!  What an amazing ride that has been.  We love it and wouldn't change it for the world but I don't think we were quite as prepared as we thought we were.  lol  For normal everyday life, yes; but for the impact on school, nope.  It took a while to figure it out but I think we have finally done it.  Most days anyway! 

But because of that adjustment we have fallen woefully behind on our Tapestry studies.  So much so in fact, we are not going to do justice to the Year Plan.  On one hand that makes me sad and feeling terribly inadequate but on the other I can see that it is minor in comparison to being in Bug's life.  So many life lessons are being learned and played out by loving this little girl that it out shadows book learning right now. 

I am learning to be ok with that.  But we may have to have one of those intensive summer sessions so that we can at least skim the time period in preparation for next year.

 How could we say no to that face?  God has blessed us so much with Bug.  She is a joy and a treasure. 

And so stinkin' busy all the time!! roflol

School is getting done for the most part.  We are pushing through and gettin' our groove.  The girls are learning more and more independence and I am learning to trust them in that independence.  It's all good!
 

Oh yeah, the books!  I almost forgot.  lol  The two books I ordered are The Ultimate Guide to Homeschooling and The Ultimate Guide to Homeschooling Teens both by Debra Bell.  You could say that I'm a bit of a stalker now but I might deny it and clear the history on my computer so you couldn't see all the ways I have googled her, her books, and her planners.  But I wouldn't admit it anytime soon!                                                                                                   

Anyway, I ordered the books in hopes of reviving the fire for our school and getting some encouragement. 

I am only a little ways into both of them and I am so pleased with what I've read so far.  Some of it has resonated so deeply that tears gushed from my eyes.  I'm not kidding.  I have needed to hear these things for a while now but didn't see it for what it was. 


Burnout. 

Bleh, even the word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  But there it is. 

Homeschool moms are in jeopardy of burn-out because we do so much for our families.  The job of mom never ends and then you add teacher to your own kids on top of that and the 24/7 just became 24/7(2).  It just never ends.  And that's okay.  Most of the time.  But we can all use some encouragement and ideas to make it work better.

That's what I am hoping to gain from these books.  I have already been given some insight into our daughters learning styles and ways to help them learn without frustrating them so much.  That alone is worth the price of the books.  ;-)

So, in the next few weeks I will write a more in-depth review and let you know all about them.  For now...I need to go read some more!