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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I could be better

I have a sinus infection which may be why this is hitting me so hard; but I am struggling.  I am not the most confident person.  In fact I am very insecure.  Most of the time I can hide it pretty well and have come up with ways to compensate.  You are talking to a girl that can make a joke out of anything or come up with a snarky response to just about everything.

there's a reason for that

At heart I don't feel good enough.  I never have.  I just hide it better than most.

There is something I love to do and was basically told that I'm not good enough at it.  Not with those words mind you but it's all the same.  kwim?  Now, I can barely do what I love without thinking of those words of inadequacy.

Why?  Why can't I just be happy to do what I love for God and for me and not worry what anyone else thinks?  Because unfortunately, the praise of man still speaks to this flesh I am in and it craves it.  I want to be good enough, I want to be the one picked, I want someone to think I am the best at something. 

Don't be fooled, I know I am not the best at anything I do.  There is always someone that can do it better, faster, etc.  I want just once for that to be me, though.  Ya know?

I'm not quite done with my pity party so I won't bore you any longer.  :)  The attitude adjustment will come tonight and tomorrow I will post pretty pictures and happy thoughts.  lol


Laura in MO said...

Hey there friend,
Know that you are loved and that you are fantastic!! Please feel this long distance hug from me. :)

Libby said...

I hear you, oh boy, do I hear you. Most days I feel like I am ok at a lot of things and good at nothing. But we press on right?

Leat said...

I know exactly how you feel Renita! You are the BEST momma to your 4 girls! God gave them to YOU and not someone else. You are the BEST wife for Steven! God gave him to YOU and not someone else. I'm sure there are a ton more things! Make a list!

Praying for ya!

Karla said...

I know what you mean, Renita. It's very difficult to experience rejection. I was reminded of that on our recent trip and have been second-guessing myself every since. Hang in there, friend. I love ya!

Amy said...

Right on, Laura! Renita, we love you just the way you are!