I could be better

I have a sinus infection which may be why this is hitting me so hard; but I am struggling.  I am not the most confident person.  In fact I am very insecure.  Most of the time I can hide it pretty well and have come up with ways to compensate.  You are talking to a girl that can make a joke out of anything or come up with a snarky response to just about everything.

there's a reason for that

At heart I don't feel good enough.  I never have.  I just hide it better than most.

There is something I love to do and was basically told that I'm not good enough at it.  Not with those words mind you but it's all the same.  kwim?  Now, I can barely do what I love without thinking of those words of inadequacy.

Why?  Why can't I just be happy to do what I love for God and for me and not worry what anyone else thinks?  Because unfortunately, the praise of man still speaks to this flesh I am in and it craves it.  I want to be good enough, I want to be the one picked, I want someone to think I am the best at something. 

Don't be fooled, I know I am not the best at anything I do.  There is always someone that can do it better, faster, etc.  I want just once for that to be me, though.  Ya know?

I'm not quite done with my pity party so I won't bore you any longer.  :)  The attitude adjustment will come tonight and tomorrow I will post pretty pictures and happy thoughts.  lol